The Best & Worst

I've compiled a list of my Top 10 favorite musical artists and my Top 5 most hated musical artists (and I use that term loosely here). I've put the hated ones first because, with life, we tend to hate before we love. Enjoy!

Top 5 Most Hated:

1. Sean Combs (or whatever the fuck his name is these days: Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Puffy, Diddy, Dodo, Dumbass, Dickwad, etc.). This is a person, much like Paris Hilton or Michael Moore, who just needs to vanish off the face of the Earth. Just like that. He needs to go. And you know what? No one would miss him or even notice he’s gone. And the thing that kills me about this dude is that in his morbid little universe, I know he thinks that his disappearance would cause shockwaves around the globe. Why is he even famous? He’s a criminal. Oh I forgot, Puff Daddy was a criminal. P. Diddy isn’t. Much like bankrupt companies that just change their name to stay in business, Diddy did the same. All I know about this guy is that he produced the Notorious B.I.G.’s music until BIGGIE was killed (no fucking surprise there…did people think he was just making up his gangsta shit? Play with matches, you get burned and all that philosophical mumbo jumbo). Why does no one question how this guy made all this cash? He owns restaurants, a clothing line, a film production company, a record label. What has he done? And you know what else? He’s smug. He’s a smug motherfucker. When I saw him at last year’s MTV VMAs waving his baton around the stage like some deific conductor who’s graced us mere mortals with his presence, I prayed for an aneurysm to just explode in his swollen head. And why is it that in every picture taken of him he’s got that same look? I call it the “intense” look (also to be found in bad acting). It’s the look of someone who’s just been anally deflowered by a gorilla while receiving ridiculous amounts of morphine injections at the same time.

2. Dave Matthews – who listens to this shit? I gave it a chance. I really did. The same people that listen to Dave Matthews are the people who watch hockey. There have been a lot of bands that have appealed to stoners: The Black Crows, Phish, The Grateful Dead, but Dave Matthews is just abysmal. He’s one of those singers that actually sounds bored by his own voice (in similar company with Eddie Veder, Dido, Lifehouse and David Gray – only they’ve had some songs you can actually listen to). I think why the stoner community has taken to Dave Matthews is that by listening to him, you actually appear more stoned. You hear slurred words and lyrics about fuck-all nothing and smoking joints and repetitive acoustic licks and hippie girls with fat asses and pornstar tattoos on the brunt of their sweaty backs. A few summers ago, after indulging in a ridiculous amount of drugs, I was lying in a pool as the sun was setting. My friend put on Dave Matthews and said it was the perfect music to “chill” to. In my current state, you could have put on the fucking Christmas Cats and I would have been euphoric. After 10 minutes of Dave Matthews, I was having an anxiety attack and wanted to gauge my eyes out. He sucks. The people that listen to him have no personality. They suck too. Dig a hole all the way to China. And don’t fucking return.

3. Bjork – What the hell is Bjork? This is performance art taken to an unhealthy extreme. Sigur Ros, I get…sort of. Siouxie Sioux, same deal. But Bjork is an enigma to me. So abstract and obtuse. That can be a good thing. Unfortunately here it’s not. Bjork reminds me of this short story I once wrote about a mentally challenged guy who makes his way into a high society party wearing a dead squirrel on his head. The people at this party are so taken aback and so confused, having no idea what to make of this, that they proclaim him a genius and his life becomes this whirlwind of talk show appearance, book deals, film rights for his life story, pretty women, insane parties, even alien cultures visiting Earth to converse with this figure who the world has elevated to god-like status based on the fact that they just didn’t get him. Fine…it wasn’t a great story. It was years ago. Fuck off! But that is Bjork to me. Someone who no one actually gets, but she just happened to enter the music scene at a time when collectively, we all needed some meaning in our lives. Bjork’s music is as catchy as helium-addicted underwater fish singing at decibels only specially trained attack dogs can hear. Can anyone actually hum a Bjork song? Would anyone want to? The only thing worse than Bjork the singer is Bjork the actor. Assassinate her. Please.

4. Ashlee Simpson – Yeah yeah, this is one of those no-brainer ones that people read and say, “no shit.” Well no shit. Besides looking like some sort of Scandinavian troll, she really is horrible. At least if she looked like her sister, I could appreciate that. Sure I know looks have nothing to do with talent, but talent’s only half of it. Image is the other half and her sister is a fine looking barbie doll come to life (only anatomically equipped). Ashlee has no image and she has no talent. Her songs are stupid, forgettable and appeal to no one. Her voice is as refreshing as a pitcher of broken glass after a month spent in the desert and her whiny, "why can’t I be more like Jessica" attitude is exactly the reason why there are so many teen homicides in America. Didn’t someone clue Ashlee into the famous person dogma that states all famous people have a sibling who is less famous, less talented, less good looking…just less in general. Why is she fighting so hard to deny the fact that she’s just that? And how did she manage to escape from that SNL lip-synching incident with her career still in tact? That was the smoking gun!! I wouldn’t lala with her on the kitchen, on the floor, in a Nazi concentration camp if I knew I was gonna die horribly the next day.

5. U2 – I feel bad for Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. They should have given themselves snappier names like Bono or The Edge. Whoever remembers these guys are actually in U2? Now don’t get me wrong. I actually like U2. Well, I like U2 up until Achtung Baby! You know, before Bono became the self-righteous piece of shit he is now. Like Morrissey or the Dixie Chicks, Bono needs to shut up and realize his shit stinks just like everyone else’s!! You’re a fucking singer! Fine, you’re an artist too. That’s it. No one cares about the vox populi of opinions at your disposal. Remember, opinions are like assholes and everyone’s got one. Bono needs to realize that he, like all celebrities, is a monkey for the system. Dance for us monkey, sing for us monkey, perform for us monkey. I ain’t paying for dialogue so cut the chin music, monkey. A U2 concert used to be 2 hours of good music and good times. Now it’s 5 hours - 2 hours of music, interspersed with Bono’s political diatribe about god knows what anymore. I hate celebrities that abuse their position as a celebrity to state their opinions. If you’re so keen on having people listen to you, write an article to the New York Times or some other reputable news rag. As it is, it’ll likely get printed because you’re famous, but at least then people have the option of not listening to your nonsensical drivel. Why they ever banned the chucking of glass bottles at lead singers at concerts is beyond me. Not once did you ever hear Fats Domino or Chuck Berry or Bo Diddley or Sam Cooke or other talents suppressed by both race and creed stop their sets to vent their thoughts (which would have actually been poignant and warranted, mostly telling Whitey to go collectively fuck itself). A true artist knows what their audience wants. And how many of you remember that time he was giving Frank Sinatra the lifetime achievement award. Bono spoke for 30 minutes! You'd think he was getting the award. The network actually cut off old blue eyes to go to a commercial. He couldn't have just shut his mouth for one night, not tried to be the center of attention and just graciously handed out an award that Sinatra had earned and then some? Cocksnake. But Bono does hold a special feat for me. His face has the distinct ability to actually give me diarrhea every time I see it plastered on magazines, newspapers and television screens. He should be the poster child for Imodium.

Okay enough ranting, here's the good stuff!

Top 10 Best:

1. The Cure – I can’t say enough good things about The Cure. I grew up on The Cure and still love them as much as ever. Robert Smith is a genius. Disintegration is the greatest album ever recorded. It’s haunting and heartbreaking. Just Like Heaven was at the epicenter of every mix tape I used to make when I was a kid. People always think that The Cure appeals to goths, introverts, heroin addicts, social outcasts and hermits that are fascinated by dead things. No. These are the same people who have never heard a Cure song from beginning to end. Admittedly, Robert Smith’s voice is either a love it or leave it kind of voice. But all good singers have a distinctive voice. Bands like Creed, Pearl Jam, Stone Temple Pilots, Theory Of A Dead Man, Staind (and the list goes on) have the type of lead singer where you could literally just treat their music like the Pepsi challenge with only Pepsi as an option. The day The Cure makes an album using pipe organs as an ambient track is the day I die a happy man! Me likes my pipe organs! Unlike Marilyn Manson who went out and found his crowd, The Cure’s crowd found them. And sure, there might be a few of the above mentioned demographic, but for the most part, Cure fans are just like you and me. They walk among us. Be afraid.

2. Psychedelic Furs – Richard Butler is another one of those lead singers with an ineffably fascinating voice. The songs of the Furs are just really catchy and really soulful. A love song by the Furs was actually written with love in mind, not some manufactured contrived product of what people fool themselves into thinking love should be. And not to mention the Furs (like The B-52's and The Thompson Twins) wrote fun music. The fun seems to be lacking in music these days. It's all about the fucking bass. But that's a whole other rant. Thankfully The Wedding Singer brought some interest back to the Furs, otherwise they were on a one-way street to obscurity. If you get the chance, pick up their greatest hits. You can usually find it for 10 bucks anywhere. It’ll be the best 10 dollars you’re likely to spend.

3. The Smashing Pumpkins – Billy Corgan is great. Wait, let me rephrase that. The Smashing Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan is great. Zwan and solo career Billy Corgan suck major ass. I don’t understand what happened to the Pumpkins? It seemed that they were so uncomfortable in their own skin, that they eventually just stripped off all their layers until there was nothing left. Gish was okay. Siamese and Pisces were great. Mellon Collie was a masterpiece. And I think after that, the band tried way too hard to change their sound and image. Billy Corgan went from the doughy boy next door to the chrome-dome vampire goth suffering from rickets and the music became electronic and then industrial. I still liked Adore more than most albums release but Machina was pushing it a bit. The problem was the fans didn’t like these two albums and Billy took it to heart. His live performances got sloppy, his song-writing became forgettable and then POOF – just like that they were gone. 1979 is still the one song that will forever hold a special place in my heart. It reminds me of high school, Jenny and loss of virginity (in that order). The good news is this: after Billy’s last album tanked, he took out an ad in some Chicago paper claiming he misses his dreams and his old music and will re-form the Pumpkins! I can't wait. I'll be on board.

4. Wumpscut – I love crazy German music. And more, I love crazy gothic industrial German music that doesn’t involve some guy screaming at me. Of course, a great deal of Wumpscut’s music isn’t in German and that stuff’s just as cool if not cooler. Wumpscut is the labor of love from Rudy Ratzinger. He reminds me a lot of Trent Reznor back when Trent Reznor was good. Now Trent wouldn’t know industrial if you slapped him across the head with it (come on...Jackalope? WTF?). Wumpscut is inspiring and creative. Cool music. Don’t get me wrong, you ain’t gonna be macking any chicks with these tunes. Try Keane or Coldplay or some other one hit wonder for that. (But if you really wanna get a girl to fuck you, put on some Roxy Music for her. Hell, I'll fuck you!) No no, this music ain't for that purpose. This is music to get shit done to!

5. Apoptygma Berzerk – Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE the 80s. Part of the reason I love the 80s was New Wave. New Wave was made famous by the gay Brits, but it was also made famous for its use of the synthesizer – possibly the most underappreciated instrument in music. Bands like Depeche Mode or Erasure or The Cars or A Flock Of Seagulls would never have broken into the industry had they not known this little secret of the synth. Apoptygma Berzerk is another German band. They’re a mix of trance and rock and what a great mix it is! Their songs are so damn catchy and so energetic, it even gets this cat from squaresville to shake his money maker. Certain artists are always trying to break down “cool” into its elements, capture it and portray themselves as it (for example the soulless/clueless Wachowski Brothers). Real cool is not having to convince anyone of it. This is Apoptygma Berzerk. So fucking cool…they’re sub-zero.

6. Elvis Presley – Well flip my fins, Daddy-O, he wasn’t called the King for nothing. And this wasn’t a self-proclaimed moniker and it sure as hell wasn’t bestowed upon him by the thieving Colonel. Elvis was a legend, straight up and down. He was the epitome of rock and roll and the epitome of cool (and if Chris Isaak had played his cards right, he could have been the next E, but thanks to a shitty agent and goofy show, he'll forever be second rate now). The King’s joint and all its digs still make my massive kahoonas rise to this day. He’s the only artist that has not only transcended death, but time and space. Most of his criticism comes from the fact that he ripped off black music. Elvis didn’t rip it off. While he did do it justice unlike others who tried over the years (but still nothing ever shakes the original) more importantly, he brought black music to the mainstream. He brought it to the attention of the god-fearing church goers in their Footloose-like communities who used to spend a Friday night lynching black people and then having sex with their own children. He brought backseat bingo to the kookie kids who would have been content to just keep rocking around the clock with Bill Haley and his Comets or listening to the doo-wopping dolly tunes of The Chordettes. He revolutionized music and popularized Satan’s influence on it. His films sucked and yes he got fat and sweaty. But his music was the rompin’ stompin’ livin’ end.

7. Rob Zombie – I love Rob Zombie because not only is he a comic and film geek hiding behind the rough Hell’s Angels exterior (complete with smoking hot wife, Satanic countenance and disposition and serious bad-ass tattoos), his music fucking ROCKS! Talk about distinct sounds. I also love Rob Zombie because he’s gotten me through 4 breakups. I know when people breakup with a significant other they usually go through a spell and listen to really depressing and low key music. That’s just counterproductive. It makes you feel shittier. I know that’s the plan, to feel shitty. But no, that’s unhealthy. You need to be listening to music like Rammstein or Three Days Grace or Linkin Park or Rob Zombie. Music that makes you want to kill everyone in the most harmful and disturbing way. Music that harnesses your deepest, angriest emotions and expels them in a scintillating expulsion of rage, animosity and other paroxysms in their purest and most passionate forms. You’ll still feel shitty for a while, but without all that self-loathing, loss of appetite and need to be left alone. It’s like hitting the boxing ring on a fresh diet of steroids, adrenaline and adenosine triphosphate.

8. Joy Division – Ian Curtis is one of those guys that killed himself at his prime. Like Kurt Cobain and Jimi Hendrix and Shannon Moon, we would have never known what would have become of the real Joy Divison had he lived. Sometimes, it’s almost fitting for a death because it immortalizes that person. Can you imagine an 80 year old Marilyn Monroe or James Dean? Joy Division is dark and moody. I really can’t say any more than that. It’s like Halloween manifested in music.

9. Lou Reed – I like solo Lou Reed better than Velvet Underground Lou Reed (this likely has something to do with Nico – who I put right up there with Yoko Ono and Gwen Stefani's entourage of strange Asian women on the annoying meter). Sure Lou is very avante garde and even attracted the attention of kitsch legend and a man I’m convinced was one of Satan’s minions: Andy Warhol, but Lou Reed is one of the only singers (I include Nick Cave in this category) that sings from the heart. He’s an artist in every sense of the word. His songs are meaningful and tell you it like it is. No sugar coating here. They’re short stories with some accompanying music, only not of the annoying bohemian persuasion. He was never one for a big sound. Granted that sound wouldn’t have accommodated his monotone delivery. But he found his niche, stayed true to it and listening to music from Lou Reed is like having him there in the room with you whispering life lessons and old magic tales in your ear.

10. David Bowie – I wouldn’t include any of Bowie’s songs in my top 10. Probably not even my top 20. But this isn’t about specific songs. This is about all around music and image. The beautiful thing about David Bowie is that you can find a song of his for any mood. It’s amazing! If you're feeling like a hermaphrodite anteater, there's a Bowie song for you. This is a chameleon who changed his sound, style and persona on every album and yet still got it right and still pleased the fans and made great music. Sure some of his androgynous glam rock costumes and flamboyant looks were unnecessary and downright frightening, but would you expect any less from Ziggy Stardust and his Spiders from Mars? He’s had a huge and profound influence on music for four decades and he’s not one of those fuckers that tries to do it all. He’s smart with the way he handles his career, has limited his film work (Labyrinth rules) and unlike guys like Bono and Morrissey (mentioned above) keeps his opinions mostly to himself. He’s never used his celebrity status in a negative way as far as I know. He’s classy and talented and his longevity is proof of all that.